Fear Month: Regret
Probably the most common fear I hear from people on the fence about having kids is the fear of regret. Either that they will have kids and regret it or that they will choose not to and later wish that they had. And so they stay stuck at the decision point, afraid to make the wrong move.
I’d argue the fear of regret is essentially the umbrella fear that encompasses all of the others. Last week we talked about the fear of pregnancy and childbirth. You could say that you’re afraid if it doesn’t go well, that you’ll regret doing it. A desire to avoid any negative or uncomfortable repercussions. We don’t get to control situations that way… unfortunately (I’m a control freak).
Last year we talked about this very topic, so I want to share what I wrote on the subject of regret and a few other related matters here in case you’re a newer reader and haven’t seen that one yet or just want a quick refresh: Stuck In The Middle With You
I sat at this fork in the road for several years too, afraid to put my stake in the sand on either side because I didn’t want to get it wrong. With most any other decision in life, you can change your mind at any time, but having kids is such a permanent choice. The stakes feel incredibly high. “What if I make a huge mistake?” It was a crippling fear that left me in analysis paralysis for far too long.
Ultimately what you want is certainty. Certainty that having kids will be the right decision or that refraining from having them will be. You’re hesitating on deciding because you don’t have certainty. I hate to be the bearer of bad news… you will never get certainty on this, not before you decide at least. Life is full of unknowns! Part of the “fun” (again, doesn’t feel fun when you let your inner control freak take the steering wheel) is letting life unfold. You will need to make this decision without certainty of how it will turn out for you or knowledge of how you’ll feel about it at every stage of your life until you die.
Here’s what I can give you certainty on: there will be good and bad no matter what you choose. If you choose to be a parent, it will probably be challenging but rewarding. If you choose not to become a parent, there will definitely be several pros to that and maybe a few things you’ll have to miss out on or wonder about. What you can control are your thoughts about whatever path you choose.
I think it can also be a useful exercise to game it out… let’s say you choose to have a kid and you later feel that you regret it. Then what? What would you do? How would you cope with that? What are ways that you could prioritize your happiness in this circumstance?
And now, let’s say you choose to remain childfree and as you age out of your childbearing years find yourself regretting not going for it. Then what? What would you do? How would you cope with that? What are ways that you could prioritize your happiness in this circumstance?
Even if you’re not experiencing massive regret with your decision, you may have brief moments of wondering “what if” or asking yourself if you made the right choice. I think that kind of doubt is normal… and very human. It’s maybe a bit unrealistic to make a choice and think you’ll never look back. Your mind will likely wander to a place where you think about what your life would be like if you’d taken the other path, and I think that’s OK. I’ve wondered what my life would have looked like if I had gone to a different college, if I hadn’t quit this job or if I had taken that job, or if I would have moved to LA when I had the chance. But after those thoughts pop into my head, I’ve learned to let them go. I don’t over identify with them or let them drive me insane.
My therapist loves to describe those thoughts as trains entering the station. You don’t have to get on the train. It’s OK to stay on the platform and watch it leave the station without you. Maybe a more useful metaphor for those of us living in public transportation culture, but you get the idea. This gets easier the more you do it. Sometimes after making a decision that didn’t turn out like you imagined, there’s some real pain and grief that has to be worked through first. That’s normal too, and with a decision as big as this, it’d be pretty common. But that emotional intensity isn’t forever. It fades in time as you process and accept your decisions.
The key to not letting this consume you is to remind yourself the reasons you chose what you chose, and as we’ve said before, have your own back. Maybe in hindsight you would have chosen differently. Hindsight is 20/20. You didn’t have that info at the time of decision making. You can’t beat yourself up for that. This is what you chose. You had your reasons. Let’s lean into those reasons and make the most of this choice.
Another reason I was afraid to make a decision for a long time was the fear that if I didn’t like the outcome, it was my fault. I chose this. I wanted someone else to blame if I didn’t like my choice once I experienced it. I knew whoever was going to be on the other end of my pointed finger was going to get my full wrath, and I didn’t want it to be me. I didn’t want to look at my life and think, “you made the wrong choice and ruined everything.” It took me a lot of time to untrain my brain to think like this. When we make choices, we don’t always know how they’ll turn out. Again, we can’t know. We need to cut ourselves some slack when decisions we make don’t pan out like we thought. We’re doing the best we can with the information we have at the time.
If this issue is one you’re really spiraling about, consider doing some additional reading. I haven’t read this book myself (yet) but it looked interesting and worth a read: Regretting Motherhood: A Study. I’m not usually in the habit of recommending something I haven’t read yet, but my mission is to help you find the resources that work best for you, so in the interest of time, I want to make you aware of it! If you’ve read it already, let us know in the comments if it was helpful at all.
As I mentioned in my own linked article, there is a subreddit for Regretful Parents. I have mixed feelings on whether this is a useful place to go. On one hand, you’ll get a variety of people sharing their stories and building community around this issue, which is great. On the other, there’s a lot of negativity, venting, and piling on that can make you feel sucked into a dark hole. This isn’t a place to find a balanced point of view and our goal isn’t to simply stoke your existing fears and create panic. If you’re on the fence and hopeful you can get to “Yes”, this might freak you out and tip your scale in a way that it doesn’t have to. On the other hand, if you’re leaning “No”, maybe this will confirm your feelings for you. Either way, if you feel you must, just proceed with caution. Separately, a subreddit you might enjoy is Fencer Sitter… it’s for people like us who are trying to decide.
There are plenty of accounts out there as well of people who are glad they had kids. Plenty of parents you know have probably already told you that, so it’s not usually something you need to seek out like you’d do for finding examples of parents who admit they regret it. Being glad you had your kids is kind of the default opinion we hear in society, but here’s an account I read from someone who was glad she had kids that nicely lays it out if you need an example.
For those leaning “No” who are worried they might regret not having kids for the specific reason of not having anyone to take care of them when they’re older, you may find some comfort in reading this Bustle article. This I have read and found incredibly reassuring.
When you do make a choice, it’s a good idea to surround yourself with people who support your choice. I don’t mean you need to silo yourself with other people who also had kids or other people who chose to remain childfree, but you do need to have people in your corner who will be there to support you as you move forward with your decision. Think about what other supports you might need in place: therapist, hobbies, wellness routines, mental health practices, game plans, etc to set yourself up for success going into your decision and to help safeguard you in the event that things don’t turn out the way you expected.
Valerie