In my quest for a decision, I’ve spoken to nearly every woman I know about this topic. Women with kids, women not planning to have kids, and women who are on the fence like me. I remember one email exchange I had last year with someone I know through career means that really stuck with me. She and her husband had recently decided not to have kids. She explained that she might be more open to the journey if she weren’t going to have to be the primary parent, but in her relationship, she’d need to be, and so she decided not to move forward. The “primary parent”. Huh, I hadn’t thought of it in those words.
Traditionally speaking, women are by default the “primary” parent in most heterosexual relationships. The default parent, or as we sometimes see, the “she-fault”. And it makes sense… When having biological children the old fashioned way, women are the ones who have to take on pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, etc. Even the most hands-on fathers are limited in what they’re able to contribute here. Oftentimes a crying baby or toddler wants mom. Dad can jump in as much as he can, but sometimes, they just want mom.
As kids get older, moms are often the ones tracking school schedules (including days with special requests like “Pajama Day”), extracurriculars, bake sale needs, etc. These are the types of things partners can better help share responsibility in as they aren’t tied to biology, but still, overwhelmingly women in heterosexual relationships are taking on the brunt of this work. And it’s not insignificant! On top of parental obligations, women still in most cases take on a larger share of the domestic labor. Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. (And somehow many of them find time to squeeze in a full time career as well.) But it’s more than just executing the tasks around the house, women are also more often than not carrying the mental load of their households… the conception and planning of each task so that it can be executed.
More and more women are at their breaking point by “trying to do it all”. Their marriages are suffering and they aren’t able to show up as the version of themselves that they want to be. And with the rise of social media, more of us without kids are hearing these complaints and it’s becoming less and less attractive for some women to choose motherhood. It feels like a trick. A way to lose your whole identity and just get stuck thanklessly doing everything for everyone. What about our dreams, goals, and hobbies? More and more women are beginning to question the path of motherhood, and many are ultimately choosing not to proceed.
Women who choose to have children via traditional methods are unable to separate themselves as the primary parent, at least for the first year or two as their bodies have such an important role on a daily basis. For couples of any gender combination that utilize adoption to start their families, there may be more of a choice in who becomes the primary parent. As a woman in a heterosexual relationship, that’s not a conversation I ever thought about having! I feel almost stupid for not considering it, but we’re not taught as little girls about that option. I’m curious if prospective parents who are able to have more choice on this due to adoption are having these conversations beforehand. I’d love to hear from anyone who has experienced this firsthand in their own relationships what sort of conversations they had with their partner.
For women who want to choose “Yes” to motherhood but are having some concerns about this, there are more and more resources available these days. It’ll be important to get out ahead of some of these concerns and have a plan for you and your family so that you don’t fall into this trap. The book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky has been circulating group texts and blogs since it came out about this very topic. There’s even a documentary for it, and you can watch the trailer here. I decided to finally read the book myself, and I’m glad I did. Fair Play outlines a game of 100 cards each representing a task needed to keep the household and family running. 60 of them apply even if you don’t have kids. The other 40 are kid specific. The premise is that cards are divided between the partners and whoever holds each card is responsible for that task including conception, planning AND execution. Cards can be redealt at any time so that it’s a constantly evolving system that can be tweaked and adapted in real time as circumstances and the needs of your household change.
Overall I have some mixed feelings on this as a Type A control freak, but I admittedly haven’t tried implementing this system in my own home, so what do I know? Considering we don’t have kids and my husband and I already sort of struggled and dealt with this earlier in our relationship, I’m not sure we need to blow up our system that seems to work for us and redesign the whole thing. I may borrow a few small tweaks though. But I think it’s a great conversation starter for couples as they begin to live together and probably even more helpful once kids come into the picture.
Note: While it’s originally designed for heterosexual couples trying to break through traditional gender roles in the home, the book is thankfully inclusive of same sex couples in its examples too. These dynamics can show up in any relationship, and it’s important to clarify that. This book is for anyone living with another person! I even wish I had read this when I was in college and living with roommates.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the “primary parent” role this week though. In our case, I guess we could say Bobby is the “primary parent” for Jack. He loves both of us but if given a choice, it’s Bobby every time. And this was a conscious choice from the beginning! I was fine with getting a dog if I wasn’t the primary parent. Like I said before, having a dog was Bobby’s dream and it was way more important to him. I knew that if Jack preferred me, it would absolutely crush him. It doesn’t, on the other hand, bother me at all that he prefers Bobby, so when we first got Jack, I intentionally let Bobby have a more active role in order to solidify that preference. So I understood where the woman I emailed with was coming from in being open to the parenthood experience in a secondary role.
Jack has been continuing to recover at home from his surgery last week. He’s doing great, but he’s not fully back up and running yet. When he came home, it was very much like having a newborn. We’re in that phase where we’re not going anywhere or doing anything unless it’s for Jack or the household. He was leaking poop out his butthole the first several days, so we had to keep him on towels anywhere he went in the apartment. I’m doing laundry across the street daily to keep up with it all. And we have literal baby wipes and diaper rash cream to keep him clean and help with the irritation. He can’t run or jump so we have to carry him up and down the stairs to and from the apartment and pick him up to get on or off the couch. We’re monitoring him closely for various symptoms and signs that he can’t verbally alert us to and then we have to make decisions about whether he needs more medicine, food, or whatever. We’re checking in with the vet frequently to make sure we’re doing everything right. And he’s not tolerating the cone of shame at all, so he’s wearing a “surgical recovery suit” to prevent him from licking his incision, which looks exactly like a newborn onesie. So yeah, as close of a simulation as I’ll be able to get I think.
Bobby has been swaddling him on the couch and keeping him comfortable and supervised while I’m running to the laundromat, Rite Aid, or wherever to get supplies. While he’s carrying Jack around, changing his surgical recovery suits and wiping his butt, I’m emptying the dishwasher, dealing with our parking ticket, and taking out the trash and recycling. Don’t worry, I’m getting my snuggles in too and giving him his medicine and what not, and Bobby is still doing things for the household too like taking the lead on ordering our meals and replacing our broken AC. It’s just that Bobby is doing slightly more of the care for Jack and I”m doing slightly more of the supporting household tasks to keep us afloat.
It’s been a really even split so far. And I’ve wondered if that’s because we’re gender flipped on the traditional model. I’m already inclined to take on a larger share of the mental load and household labor, so Bobby isn’t having to juggle that weight along with being the primary parent. I started to picture my friends’ households if their husbands had given birth instead and my friends had been the ones to support. I’ve wondered what that would do to the equation. Would it be more equitable? My hunch is yes but this of course isn’t data supported. Just something I’ve wondered about this week as I’ve thought about this whole “primary parent” concept and mental load.
I went to pick up our dinner order from down the street Sunday night. As I was walking around outside, I was acutely aware all of a sudden for the first time of this weird bubble I’ve been in since Jack got sick. I noticed people around me looking cute, wearing polished outfits while I was looking like I’d been to war in sweatpants. People were walking with energy and laughing together. I saw people eating dinner and having wine at restaurants along our street. The weather was warm and flowers were in bloom. It was the sudden realization that life has been frozen for me while it’s been going on this whole time for everyone else, seemingly without me! Almost like for me it’s 2020 and for everyone else it's 2019. I felt jealousy, sadness, and FOMO as I walked back with our dinner. What I wouldn’t have given to be out at dinner sipping on a glass of red wine not feeling drained 24/7! I walked into my apartment and saw Bobby and Jack cuddled on the couch, excited to see me, and my heart swelled. My boys! I described this to my best friend with 3 kids the next day, and she said, “Yep, that’s what having a newborn feels like.” It’s tough. I’m not sure I could do this again for a longer, more intense period of time. Yet I love Jack, and I’m sure I can’t even comprehend how much I’d love my child. But right now, I want to feel free to live life again, and soon we will. After all, we are not in the newborn stage. We’re just living in a simulation. Next week Jack will get his staples out and will be able to resume normal activity. Well, until my surgery next month when we have to go back into our bubble temporarily. But my point is, that this experience has given me the rare opportunity to feel like I’ve test driven both paths: kids and no kids. I wish I could say it gave me clarity. I think it maybe made me more confused. And so my clarity might just be that I should stop asking myself which option is better, or that I’ll be happier with. It’s not simple like that. Or maybe I should ask my writing partner what he thinks…
Valerie
Annnd you hit another one out of the park! Love how your brain thinks and how you form words out of it. 😊 Such great insight here, both into the general idea of sharing the workload with a partner, as well as your experience lately. ♥️