Not A Vote Of Confidence
Deciding Whether Or Not To Have Kids In The Wake Of A Trump Re-election
Welp, this isn’t the post I was hoping to write this week, but here we are. Voldemort is back.
On Wednesday it was admittedly difficult to get my thoughts in order. My brain felt like a chaotically curated album called Now That’s What I Call A Shocking Election 2024. Tracks included fast paced angry songs that mostly just sound like screaming, slow sad songs that make you cry, and a few upbeat power anthems to make you feel like rising up. They were all playing on shuffle and I seemed to have lost the remote.
I thought about what to write this week… Should I let people see my rage even though it’s unproductive because it’s part of our collective grief? Should I share about the tears I’ve shed in the shower thinking about how people like my dad supported this? Should I focus on thoughtwork to help people, when they’re ready, to move past the grief of this major loss and the fear of what’s to come? What’s the right tone here when you want to be authentic and share what you’re experiencing but also aspire to encourage others who might be looking to feel a little less heavy and hopeless? How long do I let myself feel my feelings about this, and when is it time to move into radical acceptance and plot my next steps?
Maybe the day after the election you had to go to work and pretend like it wasn’t a fucking terrible day. Maybe you had meetings with jubilant Trump supporting coworkers parading around oblivious to the hell they just unleashed on themselves and their fellow Americans. Maybe you’re dealing with family members gloating, or worse, calling for unity like they didn’t just spend the last year posting the most vile, divisive content possible to their Facebook pages. It’s heavy, I know. Scream as much as you want.
I went out into the world on Wednesday and walked amongst my fellow New Yorkers, and you know what? It made me feel better. I saw a bunch of people looking defeated too, and I felt less alone. I also saw people just going about their days like normal and it was a good reminder that we have to just keep going and that this city stops for no one, not even Trump. I feel an insane amount of gratitude to be experiencing this horror from the state of New York, one that I know will protect me from him, and I’ve spent many hours worrying about my friends and family in states like Texas, wishing my apartment was big enough for all of them to move in with me.
I watched Kamala’s concession speech live. The second she was visible to the camera, I burst into tears. That was the first time I cried after hearing the news of Trump’s win. I proceeded to cry during her entire beautiful speech, and when she was done speaking, it was the first time I’d felt a release all day. The emotion was the disappointment about the results and the fear of the future, but it was also the sadness of seeing what we could have had. She was so eloquent and positive and it stung that we weren’t going to get to have that voice leading us going forward in the White House. I felt robbed of the acceptance speech that we’ll never get to hear.
I’m trying to be gentle with myself and give myself what I need right now. I’m avoiding alcohol, I’m moving my body, I’m eating healthy (minus the gluten free Levain chocolate chip cookie I bought myself yesterday), I’m reducing my time watching the news and scrolling social media. I’m getting just enough for solidarity and stopping before it gets me too riled. When I’m feeling tired or unmotivated, I’m resting. When I’m feeling angry, anxious or fired up, I chip away at my to do list or do something active. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” and try to give it yourself if you can.
Maybe like me, your first thought to the news was “I don’t have the energy to deal with 4 more years of Trump. It’s too exhausting.” We’re about to enter a period where we’re going to have to remain very vigilant and alert. Let’s conserve our energy so we don’t burn out too quickly. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.
I’m not here to talk anyone out of their feelings. Feel them, by all means. But I also want to caution us against remaining enraged long term. Feeling constant rage and worry will not stop Trump or change anything he does. There’s sometimes this false belief that our rage is what fuels our resistance and that if we don’t have rage we’ll become complacent. I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. While it might seem protective, rage actually hurts you, not your opponent. And feeling rage for 4+ years isn’t sustainable or good for your health. They say it can create disease and cancer in the body… as somebody who has had cancer 3 times, I do not recommend it. Zero stars.
How do we stop feeling rage? We can start by changing our thoughts. Cycling through thoughts like “America hates women” and “We’re fucked” won’t get you were you want to go. What other true thoughts can we spend time thinking instead? Maybe “I’m going to make whatever decisions I need to to stay safe and sane.” or “I am resilient.” or “I always have options.” Maybe you’re hating everyone who voted for him thinking things like, “They’re evil. They don’t care…” The sad reality is that they truly believe they made a good decision. I’m not sure we should hate them as much as we should pity them for getting lost in misinformation and losing touch with reality. It might not make you feel much better, but hopefully it’ll reduce the seething. “But it shouldn’t be this way!” Well, it is. As Byron Katie says, “When you argue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time.”
If you’re desperate to feel less hopeless, I recommend reading Matt Hershberger’s post from this morning called “Links To Make You Feel Less Hopeless”. In it he even reshares a post about raising kids during COVID which he originally posted in 2022.
Wishing there was something you could do to take action right now? There is. While the presidency and the Senate might be lost, there may still be hope for the House. Volunteers are needed to phone bank to voters whose ballots were rejected to make sure their voice is heard. Some of these races are so close and it really will come down to just a few votes. We really need the House to stay blue to help keep Trump and the Senate in check.
I’ll also be reading up a bit more on Project 2025. I can’t think of any football coach in America who wouldn’t kill to have access to his opponent's playbook before a big game. Trump may or may not call all of these plays, but I’d like to have a plan in place in the event that he does. I want to see it coming from a mile away and be ready to protect myself and others when it does.
So what does a second term of Trump mean for you as you decide whether or not to have kids?
For a lot of women especially, this might make you feel less confident about making a decision right now. I remember this feeling well. If you weren’t thinking about kids in 2016 because you were too young or not focused on that at the time for whatever reason and now this is on your radar for the first time, welcome. I got married in April of 2016 and turned 30 in August of 2016. In November 2016, everything changed. I remember feeling so fearful about raising kids in a Trump world and feeling like I didn’t have fertility clock to burn by waiting to see what was on the other side of his presidency.
So with the luxury of 2024 hindsight, what did I learn from those years? I learned I did have plenty of time to wait out his presidency if I wanted at that age. I learned that while his presidency was a nightmare in many ways, there were also many ways in which my life was OK. We survived it. I had friends who had children during the Trump era and none of them felt it was a mistake despite the chaos of those years. I definitely could have had kids during those 4 years and they would have survived it as well, but I don’t regret waiting it out at all. That ended up being the right call for me. And yes, the world is a scary place for them because of some of the fallout from that presidency, but not to the point where anyone wished those kids didn’t exist.
If you definitely want to have a family, don’t let this stop you. Don't let the terrorists win. But, be smart. You may need to move to a state with different abortion laws for your safety. Hell, you may seriously want to consider moving abroad. Safeguard yourself and your family in whatever ways you can.
The reality is that people already have kids here in America. We have millions of them. We’re going to have to work on keeping them safe and giving them a decent future despite whatever happens next. We’re going to have to fight to make things better for them regardless. If you decide to have kids, they’ll be in good company with a bunch of other kids already here who are navigating the world and figuring out how they can help. You will not be the only one to have children who will need to figure this out. There are also plenty of pregnant women out there who will be birthing their children into a different world than they were conceived in. We’re all in this together.
More than 69 million people voted for Kamala. More than 69 million people wanted to protect womens’ rights and fight for a brighter future. We’re not going anywhere and we’re standing together against whatever Trump throws at us. And while the election results were mostly negative, there were several states that voted to adopt language into their state constitutions to protect access to abortions or elected officials vowing to protect abortion rights: New York, Arizona, Montana, Missouri, Michigan, Maryland, Nevada, and Colorado. Our first openly trans person, Sarah McBride, was elected to congress. There is still some hope.
If you lean yes and have the fertility clock to spare, you may want to let this play out a bit more before you decide so that you can see what the fallout is or isn’t from this change in leadership before you dive into this big permanent decision. I know Trump has designs on dismantling the Department of Education, for example, so you may want to see whether these plans come to fruition first and see if it impacts your decision. Perhaps you’ll want to freeze some eggs or embryos while you wait. My only caution is that you may want to wait and see where legislation goes on IVF over the next few years before you have specimens on the line. It’s unclear to what extent that process will change or what will be criminalized, even in blue states.
If time does not allow you to wait, I understand. Move ahead and we will fight to the death to protect you should things go south. You may even want to spend some time researching adoption to see if it feels like a viable path for you. With abortion bans being what they are, there will be an increase in children who need loving homes.
If, on the other hand, this has turned you off on the idea of having kids completely, that’s understandable and more than OK. My husband and I have previously decided not to have children, and this news feels very affirming of our decision for us. I’ve often joked, “I’m so protective of my kids, I won’t even let them be born!” It’s perfectly fine to assess your personal circumstances as unsafe or not fit to bring children into the world. You get to decide that! There’s no right or wrong answer. It’s OK to look around and say, “Nope.” I think there will be a lot of people who decide not to have kids in light of this shift. And their parents who voted for Trump will not realize or understand that they actually voted to not have the grandchildren they desperately want.
There will be plenty of children in your life (see above) who will need more adults looking out for them as we move forward. Parents will be grateful for your support as we try to fight for a better America and a better world. And we will need people who have bandwidth to find ways to move us in a better direction. Maybe that’s you!
This also might be the time to talk to your doctor about long term birth control options: IUDs, hysterectomies, vasectomies, etc. We don’t know what the future holds under Trump with access to these things, so if you know you don’t want kids, now might be the time to talk to your doctor about taking action to protect yourself.
I’m also noticing for the first time women on places like TikTok talking about the 4B movement. Inspired by women in Korea, American women are now choosing to fight misogyny by having nothing to do with men anymore. I will not be surprised if this blows up in a big way over the next few years here in the US as a response to this election. Women are tired of being disrespected at the polls after we basically do everything for men. Men are clueless to the conversations women have been having in private, especially these last few years.
Look, I don’t know what’s going to happen, none of us do. We’re going to take this one day at a time. We’ve got each other’s backs for the next four years and beyond. There’s no other choice, we just have to move forward. If you have the ability to hold off on making a decision about kids right now, that’s not a bad idea. If you have no time to wait, follow your heart and we’ll be here for you no matter what you decide.
Valerie
Beautiful post, Valerie